And the Best Holiday Film of 2008 goes to... AVP:R

After long and thoughtful deliberation on the subject, taking into account the irrepressible whimsy of such blockbusters as Fred Clause and Christmas in Wonderland, I have concluded that there is only one film capable of truly expressing the joy of the holiday season - Alien versus Predator: Requiem. Yes, you heard me. What better way to put the spirit of the former year to rest than with a cinematic masterpiece, a true requiem (from the Latin requies, for ‘rest’) for 2007? Still unconvinced? Clearly you needed to see the movie on Christmas day, sandwiched in between two overweight 30 somethings, each pod-casting live their alternate endings for final chapter of their newest fan-fic crossover, “Predator versus a Cylon basestar: a Galactica whodunit!” I hadn’t felt so misty eyed since Miracle on 34^th Street.

But before we get too off topic, let’s examine some of the comparative symbolism that defines the films rightful place in this season of giving and peace. There may be some spoilers to follow, however, I don’t believe it is possible to spoil this film:

1) “Away in a manger…” –

This theme of Jesus’ lowly birth, laid in a manger and wrapped in swaddling clothes, is clearly paralleled through the scenes of forced implantation and subsequent rapid gestation of Predalien larvae in the local hospital’s maternity ward. A beautiful scene, and one in service to the true nature of Christmas.

2) Spirit of generosity –

This idea of uninhibited munificence is represented throughout the film, as many of the characters, young and old, rich and poor, are subject to indiscriminate, and often delightfully unexpected, attacks from alien face-huggers.

3) The excitement of opening unexpected gifts –

The generosity of the face-huggers does not go unappreciated however, as the subjects of their warm embrace always awaken (no doubt to their delight) to the surprise of an alien chest-burster tearing through their sternum with a hiss of glee!

4) Time with that special someone –

Family aside, the holidays are always a time to spend with that special someone you hold so close to your heart. When in doubt, just take a lesson from AVP:R! Sneak into the local high school’s pool and seduce a hot teenage actress. Watch out for her ex-boyfriend though, he might have followed you there!

5) The joy of a dazzling light display –

Five words: Dual Shoulder-Mounted Plasma Cannons.

I’ll bet the Predators have the loveliest Christmas trees.

What a beautiful time of the year. Clearly Jesus had this movie in mind when was born.

-The Brisket

Not since My Girl has female youth been so sexy: A Review of Juno

There's something beautiful about a pregnant 16-year-old—something that screams fertility and evolutionary fitness—which, when combined with proof of her intelligence and doe-eyed innocence, is enough to make the honest man bare his teeth and shout to Eros. I was in a theater in Gadsden, AL when I saw such a female, and so I politely refrained from shouting. Her name is Juno, and she lives in the world of fiction, out of my reach forever.

The plot is simple: Juno gets fucked. Juno gets pregnant. But she is too young to beget a child, says Middle Class America. Or is she? Doing what most females don't have the courage to do, Juno decides to beget the child and give it up for adoption. The couple she chooses—upper-middle-class white bread residing in the exurbs—is portrayed to near perfection. And everything goes smoothly until the husband of the couple wisens up. If, being a man, you were presented with an infertile woman in the dusk of youth, on the one hand, and a demonstrably fecund lass on the other, which one would you choose? Right. And what happens if the 2nd place woman learns of your preference? Right. Darwinism and morality go to war in this incredibly scientific depiction of the Battle Between the Sexes.

But there is one glaring flaw in the otherwise theory-consisent film: the guy who impregnates Juno, Paulie Bleeker (played by Michael Cera), is the consummate beta-male. Indeed, that gives him too much credit—Paulie is a delta. He is weak, timid, and far from mesomorphic. And so it a mystery why Juno falls in love with him. Even more of a mystery is that Juno is the first to confess her love. This extremely vulnerable move is something that the female sex has cunningly learned to avoid. To quote H.L. Mencken: "They never acknowledge that they have fallen in love, as the phrase is, until the man has formally avowed the delusion, and so cut off his retreat; to do otherwise would be to bring down upon their heads the mocking and contumely of all their sisters." But these errors can be forgiven, and the movie is worth seeing.

Nic Cage is Pro Creationism

This has been a long time coming. Nic Cage is the missing link in proving the DE-evolution of society.  His career deftly proves that with age doesn't come experience, good taste, or larger frontal lobes in the cerebral cortex.  He is... a hairy dinosaur, so-to-speak.

That having been said, Nicholas Cage is not the worst actor ever, as many have argued. He is simply a mediocre actor with the worst judgment ever.
(Best mustache ever?)

Nic “Who spells Nic like that? and I’m actually a Coppola” Cage has managed to further and further degrade himself by taking the term Hollywood Schlock to higher and more dizzyingly fetid heights.

Allow me explain by introducing you to the Adaptation theory of Cageationism. Though the mythic Cage has gone through many a terrible movie role, they can all be categorized chronologically into three exponentially deteriorating epochs: The Vegas Age, The Age of Fire, and The Age of the Shitstorm—which was unfortunately caused by Spike Jones’ Adaptation.

But let us start at the beginning:
And Lo, the Coen Brothers said, let there be Raising Arizona. And it was good. And then Nic Cage begat Honeymoon in Vegas, Leaving Las Vegas, Con Air, and Snake Eyes. And it was not good.

Thusly, we enter Nic Cage’s first epoch of terrible movie choices: The Vegas Age. As a young up and comer with a powerful Hollywood uncle, Cage began to make a name for himself, etching out his already pre-ordained star on the Hollywood boulevard by advertising himself as the Elvis loving, Vegas residing, White Trash star of the 90’s. Unfortunately this first, and best Epoch lasted only a decade and indeed, overflowed into the Age of Fire, which appeared after The Rock.

Nic’s first collaboration with legendary director and killer-of-everything-good, Michael Bay turned out to be a huge success… Much to the surprise of Cage himself who attempted to sink the film by acting like the biggest whining, high-pitched, self-involved Douchebag with a hot fiancée in the extensive history of Douchebags with hot fiancées. It is from this film that one Cageationist spawned the: “Every Terrible Hollywood Blockbuster Could Be Made Exponentially Worse If Nic Cage Is In It” theory, which of course launched a thousand speculations—Superman, Transformers, Armageddon, King Kong…

The Age of Fire produced Con Air, Face/Off, Gone in Sixty Seconds and curiously Captain Corelli’s Mandeline—which had just enough slow motion birds to be classified as “Possibly a John Woo flick”.1  However, these movies were often actually very entertaining and even contained the legendary “Crazy Face.”  Which, as you can see... is certifiably crazy.  If only it counted as acting.  

But the defining moment in Cage’s career came from a movie that defied logic in its brilliance.  Heretofore Cage + A Movie = Bad.  However in Adaptation, a movie which stars not just one, but TWO Nicholi Cages, meant that oddly Cage + Cage + A Movie = Good.  However, Adaptation was SOOO good, that it forced the fearless Cage to destroy any whisper of artistic sense within him by making a slew of movies so bad, they can only be described as Shittastical.

Thus begins the Age of the Shitstorm, in which Cage seemed to be making career choices motivated by self loathing.  His masterpieces during this Epoch include National Treasure, The Ant Bully, The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, Next, NT:2 Book Of Secrets and of course a slew of commercials aired only in Asia.2  These films are so bad, they can only be enjoyed when re-cut into tiny bits.3

So what does the future look like as this new Age of Shitstorm rages on? Well, Cage is scheduled to appear in the upcoming animated flick, “G-Force” as the voice of “Speckles.” IMDB Describes the possible plot of this movie as following: “A specially trained squad of guinea pigs embarks to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world.” I, for one, cannot wait.

1. I dare you to find a John Woo movie that doesn’t have doves flying in slow motion . Seriously. Maybe Broken Arrow, but I haven’t seen it in a while. I DARE YOU. WHAT IS HIS DEAL!?
2. See also, THIS ONE, and of course THIS ONE, and lest we forget… THIS ONE
3. And on a purely editorial note, Ghost Rider is not worth watching even to make fun of.

Chuckabee: Roundhouse Kick to the Face of the 2008 Election

If you were a Fundamentalist-Baptist Minister-Governor lagging in the poles among the GOP presidential hopefuls, what would you do to turn things around? You could hire a celebrity to endorse your campaign, right? But who would pack enough punch to take the Iowa Caucas and help gain swing votes on the east coast. Chuck Norris, that's who.
Just the mere mention of his name could theoretically get anyone into office, even a bigot. What about his appeal makes the most unelectable candidates frontrunners? Perhaps these will sound familiar:

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Before statements like these became famous amoung teenagers and young adults nation-wide, Chuck Norris was known more for his heart-pounding, death-delivering, slow walking action movies on the big screen (and late night TNT). Perhaps his ass-kickingest film to date, The Delta Force (1986), showed us the softer side of Chuck, which in fact is not soft at all. If you haven't seen it, rent it or look for it in the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.

Chuck grew tired of film and soon set his sights on telvision and fitness infomercials. Walker, Texas Ranger became even more famous once Conan Obrian adopted showing clips as a common bit for his show. The movies, however, will always serve as the foundation of the house that Chuck built.
Granted, Chuck Norris is known for his strong religious convictions, but I assure you that Huckabee chose Chuck (I'm sorry, I mean Chuck chose Huckabee) because of his place among pop-culture icons today. Chuck sits atop a mountain of joke icons (Hassellhoff, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears just to name a few) and reigns supreme. For Christmas I bought my brother a book of Chuck Norris facts, half of which refer to the magnitude and/or usefullness of his penis. But of course, Holy Huckabee has no knowledge of that. Right. Far Right.

So when you head to the polls to cast your vote ask yourself this: Do you want a president with solid international policy experience and a thoughtful healthcare plan, or do you want a guy who is always within punching distance of THE Chuck Norris. God Bless America. Chuck Bless American, too.