Service, with a folding chair to the face

I don't know if any of you have considered joining the marines, but If you haven't, you will after seeing THE MARINE produced by the WWE (World Wrestling E...nterpr...ise? Damn you World Wildlife Federation!). That's right, the WWE is now churning out films and if it's even possible to concieve, they're even more smacktacular than the XFL. In this tale that teaches us marines can throw people through glass storefronts even on the homefront, WWE wrestler John Cena, with arms the size of a bloated goat carcus, plays John Triton, ex-marine turned rent-a-cop after being honorably discharged for disobeying a direct order despite the fact that he saved the lives of 5 marine's who were being beheaded at an "Al-Qaeda outpost/barracks" in Iraq. (bwaaaa?)

"How do we get around 'em, John?" "We don't. We go through 'em" (fires shotgun slash grenade launcher into the camera).

He kills sooo many terrorists though! How can they discharge him on a technicality? Just, Marine Core. Harsh, but Just. That's how I like my America. So, not knowing what to do next, he returns home to his ridiculously attractive wife, in his oddly beautiful home and bangs her (no, not in the head with a folding chair.) I thought this movie was already perfect so far but then they blew my expectations away with an Oscar-worthy performance from former T2 T1000 (liquid-terminator) Robert Patrick as a sociopathic jewel thief. I didn't watch the entire film, but I got all I needed to know online. If you go on IMDB, you'll notice that the Plot Keywords are: Explosion/Marine/Chase/Kidnapping/Alligator.

OfCreams out. Hoo Rah.