Shoot Me Up: Maybe THEN I'd enjoy it...

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must take a stand. A time in which drawing a line in the sand means everything, virtue is the foundation of courage and strength, and a reckless endangerment of self for the greater good means you will just plain GET THINGS DONE.

I watched Shoot em’ Up last week. And now I don’t believe anything good exists in the world. “Surely,” I thought to myself… “Surely, this isn’t a movie made by some terrible fanboy director who simply dreamed of making a movie with ‘all the ‘cool’ things you can do in a gunfight.”

Oh no he DI-IN’T!

If you're watching the video above, you're going to see a tween girl introduce some dude looking like a cheaper, geekier version of Steven Speilberg and the first thing out of his mouth is "Shoot Em' Up is all the cool things you can do in a gun fight..."

Now, I don't usually wish gun violence on anyone... even if I think it will do the world some good in the intelligence department. But damn would the irony be delicious.

Guess what Michael Davis… You’re not cool, the movie blew terribly, the violence got boring, and everything in it was a clichéd version of something I’d seen in other movies that were actually cool. Thank god it will only swallow Monica Bellucci’s career. Clive Owen, and Paul Giamatti are too good to care about this one. Somewhere in all that excess Michael Davis forgot why a gunfight was cool to begin with… All that other shit you had to go through to get there.

The Mexican standoff at the end of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly with the titular characters: Amazing. Why? Good question. They mostly just stand around and look at each other for literally 3 minutes before anyone draws their gun. Why is this suspenseful? Why is this affective? Why is this…cool? We.actualy.care.about.what’s.happening.

The standoff between Keanu (as himself) and the Agent Smith in The Matrix, Butch Cassidy and The Kid taking on the Bolivian Army, Kurt Russell fording the river in Tombstone simply REFUSING to die, any moment in The Untouchables, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, or the very end of Die Hard. All of these are great films with great action sequences that move the plot along and actually have meaning within the film. Plus we CARE about what's happening because we're not just watching "heroes doing their thing," but characters in great stories that mean something to us. If one of them dies, its a big deal. No one dies in Shoot em' Up because none of it matters to the plot at all...

But then there are those movies that have plots, but we all know its just a ruse to show us good gun battles. Like The Big Hit with Lou Diamond Phillips... Y'know... Before he did BATS and fell off the face of the earth.

Where could he be? Oh wait... I found him.

Shoot em' Up uses action as a distraction from the plot. Not because it doesn't have one... because it does... technically. But this "plot" basically serves to get us from one cocktail napkin idea to another... because that's what happens in cocktail napkin gimmick films. Whoever had the brilliant idea to begin with, sits down, has a couple gin martinis, a lap dance, and maybe a couple of grandpa's "idea pills," and starts writing down more things he thinks is clever onto cocktail napkins at whatever wanna-be-high-class strip joint he happens to reside on that particular Thursday night. The "plot" is the dried vomit and gin on whatever table Michael Davis happens to be slumped over, that holds down these cocktail napkins that say "Shoot bad guys while falling out of a plane" or "shoot bad guys while having sex" or "shoot bad guys at a playground" or "Kill a man with a carrot" or "Shoot a sign to make lewd suggestions" or "Use bullets to open doors" or "Have Supervillain with bullets for eyes" (He would later lose this one vomiting in a strip club stall).

Either way... the title basically gives away the ending. A first for everyone. Congrats, now you can skip this movie.

My suggestion to the all-knowing Michael Davis: Go back to doing what you do best. You started your career with writing the infinitely successful Double Dragon not to mention Prehysteria 2 and Prehysteria 3. I suggest writing a fourth Prehysteria... or a Double Dragon 2: Quadruple Dragon. Because I sincerely hope no one in their right mind will make the mistake New Line Cinema did, and let you raid the weapon prop department in a studio again and make another bomb like this one. Also... why didn't you come up with Prehysteria 1? Must've missed out on that money train.

Rambo: More Blood than "There Will Be Blood"

I can tell you honestly that since having seen Rambo on Friday evening, my voice has dropped an octave and my chest is twice as hairy. Unfortunately my hands remain the size of a 12 year old girl's. This second wave of puberty was obviously the result of seeing the goriest, most violent movie of my life. Without hesitation, I proclaim this is the most violent main-stream movie of all time. The original rating was set at NC-17 but after some strategic editing, the film was able to limbo under the R rating.

Sylvester Stallone looks a little aged in this one, but he's still ripped and maintains his keen ability to kill everything in sight. I would, however, rate his acting to be the worst of his career, not that he ever set the bar too high. You barely ever hear him complete a full sentence longer than three words. I am sure all of his intelligent statements were drowned out in the deafening blaze of 50 caliber gunfire. I will give him some credit. He wore the hats of director, producer, writer, actor and I am sure primary financier. No wonder he needs steroids. Sly is obviously overworked.

Back to the reason anyone went to see this film...violence.

Good luck trying to tally up a body count in the latest John Rambo chronicle. Even if you could count that fast, you'd be too distracted by the body parts flying mid-air. Corpses don't just spray a little blood here and there, they explode. I almost feel more educated in the area of human anatomy as I have now seen every organ (fully intact) darting across the big screen.

Having said all of this, I dare say this is a must-see (or must-rent) for the soul fact that I cannot put into words the horror and doom captured in this 90 minute blood bath. Girls, don't see it. Guys, don't take girls with you to see it. Nobody female or under the age of 15 should see this movie under any circumstances.

What really pissed me off: 15 minutes and 4 dozen deaths into the film, I witnessed a mother carrying a screaming 4 year old out of the theatre. The majority of the audience happen to see this too and some even started booing. I about called social services on that mother-of-the-year.

Rambo uses every means possible to off bad-guys: Guns, big guns, big-ass guns, knives, bow and arrow, mines, home-made sword, WWII Bombs, and of course his bare hands (depicted most vividly when he rips out an unsuspecting guard's Adam's Apple). While the needless slaying kept me smiling at the screen, there were moments where even I had to avert my eyes. Women and children get slaughtered in this one as well, making it that much harder to suffer through.

This is more of a rant than a review, but I am not really sure what else to say. No Plot. All Death. I can't even decide if I liked it or not. I have been raped of my innocence and will never be the same. God help us all!