I don't know if any of you have considered joining the marines, but If you haven't, you will after seeing THE MARINE produced by the WWE (World Wrestling E...nterpr...ise? Damn you World Wildlife Federation!). That's right, the WWE is now churning out films and if it's even possible to concieve, they're even more smacktacular than the XFL. In this tale that teaches us marines can throw people through glass storefronts even on the homefront, WWE wrestler John Cena, with arms the size of a bloated goat carcus, plays John Triton, ex-marine turned rent-a-cop after being honorably discharged for disobeying a direct order despite the fact that he saved the lives of 5 marine's who were being beheaded at an "Al-Qaeda outpost/barracks" in Iraq. (bwaaaa?)
"How do we get around 'em, John?" "We don't. We go through 'em" (fires shotgun slash grenade launcher into the camera).
He kills sooo many terrorists though! How can they discharge him on a technicality? Just, Marine Core. Harsh, but Just. That's how I like my America. So, not knowing what to do next, he returns home to his ridiculously attractive wife, in his oddly beautiful home and bangs her (no, not in the head with a folding chair.) I thought this movie was already perfect so far but then they blew my expectations away with an Oscar-worthy performance from former T2 T1000 (liquid-terminator) Robert Patrick as a sociopathic jewel thief. I didn't watch the entire film, but I got all I needed to know online. If you go on IMDB, you'll notice that the Plot Keywords are: Explosion/Marine/Chase/Kidnapping/Alligator.
OfCreams out. Hoo Rah.
Nov 13, 2007
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Oh thank god someone else saw this movie. Someone needs to create an award to give to whoever had the sheer brilliant idea to combine America's greatest inspirational ideals—honor, integrity, duty to one’s country and pro wrestling—into a powerhouse of a film. Oh wait… scratch that. I love how all movies today are just blends of things that already have proven to make money. The Golden Compass for example, is simply what would happen if Lord of The Rings, Harry Potter, and a Coca-Cola Christmas commercial had a baby (And Casino Royale was that weird uncle that always shows up around December).
The Marine is simply the shoulda-been-a-blowjob lovechild of Pro Wrestling, Power lifting, and a gun show. Complete with unnecessary explosions, you-tube / home-video worthy acting, and a Ray Lewis look-a-like. I look forward to whatever next action flick that homunculus, John Cena puts out, and of course a visit from that crazy Uncle in a few weeks…
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