Why can’t we kill the 80’s?

Hey Generation X… MOVE ON!
(and ok I know Speed-Racer's from the 60's... but the point is the same... read on)

I recently stumbled upon this website the other day, and I believe it was the last straw in convincing me that everyone over 25 is trying to culturally drag us back into the 80s, or at least any time period before 1990. This conspiracy goes much father than a simple t-shirt that says “Hey! I watched Thundercats, which means I want you to think that I don’t care what you think of me, so that must mean I’m cool.” No no no. Its much more sinister…

Allow me to explain how this works…
There’s general consent among everyone nowadays, that retro = cool. And granted, Top Gun is sweet, and the music is so gay its manly, and playing volleyball in aviators and daisy dukes with your guy friends while spurning the wearing of shirts is ok because its retro—but then again the definition of retro is that its cool because its old. Any shirtless tool playing volley ball and listening to “Playing With The Boys” who hasn’t seen Top Gun is instantly 40% more creepy and 70% more gay than those who’re doing it because it’s a funny reference. Same percentages apply for singing “You’ve lost that loving feeling” in a karaoke bar.

Nowadays we’ve got something worse going on: Retro Remakes that attempt to update old plots for the sake of garnering new audiences. Its like musicians covering the old classics…only the best way to describe this new phenomenon in films is, Recycling.

So if you think I’m making a big deal out of nothing, here’s a giant list for your reading enjoyment of recent and upcoming films and TV shows with original ideas over 20 years old:
Cartoons:
Transformers, TMNT, Speed Racer, Dragonball Z, Garfield, Alvin and the Chipmunks, GI Joe, Scooby Doo, Justice League (aka Super Friends)
TV Shows:
Knight Rider, American Gladiators, Bionic Woman, Starsky and Hutch, Star Trek, Miami Vice
Action/Horror:
When a Stranger Calls, The Wicker Man, Conan, Rambo, Rocky Balboa, Indiana Jones, Amytyville Horror, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hills Have Eyes, Planet of the Apes
Combinations:
Aliens Vs. Predator, Freddy Vs. Jason

I know proven ideas make money, which is why sequels always do better than the original, even when they’re terrible. But this is much more than that. Are Studios so over-run with 30 somethings trying to relive their Saturday morning cartoon memories that they’re willing to subject us to live action versions of ALL OF THEM? Can’t wait for Snorks, Heathcliff, Thundercats, Smurfs and Carebears. Does anyone realize this is going too far!? Does anyone except fanboys really think a Speed Racer, Dragonball Z, GI Joe or Justice League movie will actually be good?

Just kill me now if all my generation will be able to come up with is remakes of Pokemon and Power Rangers.

Chuckabee: Roundhouse Kick to the Face of the 2008 Election

If you were a Fundamentalist-Baptist Minister-Governor lagging in the poles among the GOP presidential hopefuls, what would you do to turn things around? You could hire a celebrity to endorse your campaign, right? But who would pack enough punch to take the Iowa Caucas and help gain swing votes on the east coast. Chuck Norris, that's who.
Just the mere mention of his name could theoretically get anyone into office, even a bigot. What about his appeal makes the most unelectable candidates frontrunners? Perhaps these will sound familiar:

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Before statements like these became famous amoung teenagers and young adults nation-wide, Chuck Norris was known more for his heart-pounding, death-delivering, slow walking action movies on the big screen (and late night TNT). Perhaps his ass-kickingest film to date, The Delta Force (1986), showed us the softer side of Chuck, which in fact is not soft at all. If you haven't seen it, rent it or look for it in the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.

Chuck grew tired of film and soon set his sights on telvision and fitness infomercials. Walker, Texas Ranger became even more famous once Conan Obrian adopted showing clips as a common bit for his show. The movies, however, will always serve as the foundation of the house that Chuck built.
Granted, Chuck Norris is known for his strong religious convictions, but I assure you that Huckabee chose Chuck (I'm sorry, I mean Chuck chose Huckabee) because of his place among pop-culture icons today. Chuck sits atop a mountain of joke icons (Hassellhoff, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears just to name a few) and reigns supreme. For Christmas I bought my brother a book of Chuck Norris facts, half of which refer to the magnitude and/or usefullness of his penis. But of course, Holy Huckabee has no knowledge of that. Right. Far Right.

So when you head to the polls to cast your vote ask yourself this: Do you want a president with solid international policy experience and a thoughtful healthcare plan, or do you want a guy who is always within punching distance of THE Chuck Norris. God Bless America. Chuck Bless American, too.