Why can’t we kill the 80’s?

Hey Generation X… MOVE ON!
(and ok I know Speed-Racer's from the 60's... but the point is the same... read on)

I recently stumbled upon this website the other day, and I believe it was the last straw in convincing me that everyone over 25 is trying to culturally drag us back into the 80s, or at least any time period before 1990. This conspiracy goes much father than a simple t-shirt that says “Hey! I watched Thundercats, which means I want you to think that I don’t care what you think of me, so that must mean I’m cool.” No no no. Its much more sinister…

Allow me to explain how this works…
There’s general consent among everyone nowadays, that retro = cool. And granted, Top Gun is sweet, and the music is so gay its manly, and playing volleyball in aviators and daisy dukes with your guy friends while spurning the wearing of shirts is ok because its retro—but then again the definition of retro is that its cool because its old. Any shirtless tool playing volley ball and listening to “Playing With The Boys” who hasn’t seen Top Gun is instantly 40% more creepy and 70% more gay than those who’re doing it because it’s a funny reference. Same percentages apply for singing “You’ve lost that loving feeling” in a karaoke bar.

Nowadays we’ve got something worse going on: Retro Remakes that attempt to update old plots for the sake of garnering new audiences. Its like musicians covering the old classics…only the best way to describe this new phenomenon in films is, Recycling.

So if you think I’m making a big deal out of nothing, here’s a giant list for your reading enjoyment of recent and upcoming films and TV shows with original ideas over 20 years old:
Cartoons:
Transformers, TMNT, Speed Racer, Dragonball Z, Garfield, Alvin and the Chipmunks, GI Joe, Scooby Doo, Justice League (aka Super Friends)
TV Shows:
Knight Rider, American Gladiators, Bionic Woman, Starsky and Hutch, Star Trek, Miami Vice
Action/Horror:
When a Stranger Calls, The Wicker Man, Conan, Rambo, Rocky Balboa, Indiana Jones, Amytyville Horror, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hills Have Eyes, Planet of the Apes
Combinations:
Aliens Vs. Predator, Freddy Vs. Jason

I know proven ideas make money, which is why sequels always do better than the original, even when they’re terrible. But this is much more than that. Are Studios so over-run with 30 somethings trying to relive their Saturday morning cartoon memories that they’re willing to subject us to live action versions of ALL OF THEM? Can’t wait for Snorks, Heathcliff, Thundercats, Smurfs and Carebears. Does anyone realize this is going too far!? Does anyone except fanboys really think a Speed Racer, Dragonball Z, GI Joe or Justice League movie will actually be good?

Just kill me now if all my generation will be able to come up with is remakes of Pokemon and Power Rangers.

Rambo 4 Title Contest

Sylvester Stallone, while playing Bridge in his Beverly Hills retirement village, recently thought to himself, "I really f'd up the Rocky series with 'Rocky 5' and 'Rocky Balboa'. I really do have talent...somewhere. If only there was a way I could redeem myself and show everyone that I'm not really an over-the-hill, roid-pumping botox bitch. I know! I'll make another Rambo! Nurse, where are my Depends? I am heading to the studio!"

Yes, Grandpa Sly is at it again. He is creating another unneccessary end to a film series that has been stretched tighter than the skin on his cheeks (which now can be found on his forehead). Sure to be the most violent Rambo yet, the preview starts a preemptive body count to the tune of, what else, but "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor". Sigh, Sly.

To help the Italian Stallion out a little bit, I thought we could have a contest to come up with the best alternate title to the movie. Kyurious Hype and I have been working for the past half hour to come up with a few, such as:

Rambo IV: Killin' before I Die

Rambo IV: Assisted Living, Assisted Dying

Rambo IV: Thats not a roman numeral 4, he's seroiusly on an IV

John Rambo: Badass with Botox

We need your help, America! (And yes, Canada, you can play along too.) Give us some other alternative names for this turd-flick. Slyvester needs our help, first witht the movie title, and then probably helping him off the toilet. Get to it!