The Replacements: Best Sports Movie to Date

In the midst of bowl season, and with college basketball hitting full stride, I am reminded of all the great sports movies that have inspired us and taken us back to our old glory days. I ran cross country, and sucked at it, so I can't really relate to the likes of Raging Bull or Hoosiers or Rudy, but I am inspired nevertheless. I grew up on Rocky, The Sandlot and Little Giants. The Mighty Ducks trilogy intranced me to buy roller blades and hockey gear so that I could put puck-shaped dents in my garage door. "It's Knuckle Puck time!" Emelio Estevez at his finest!

But there is one sports epic that truly emulates heroec athleticism, one film that brings big heart and big names to the screen. Yes, I'm talking about The Replacement. In a nutshell, a bunch of second rate ex-football players get to play professionally because the actual pros went on strike, based on the very really tragedy that famous athletes do not make any money. One might argue its place among other flicks of its genre, but answer me this: Why else would they show it twice a day for a week on daytime TBS?

Gene Hackman must've thought "Hoosiers was a flop and a joke. I need to play a coach in a movie that has some impact on the sports world". Well coach, you succeeded.

Keanu Reeves leads his team to victory with a strong arm and even stronger acting. Playing a has-been college quarterback known for choking under pressure, Reeves (a.k.a. Falco - awesome name for a QB) is given a second chance to play. What really amazes me is how at no point during the film do you see him fall victim to helmet-hair.

To round out the start-studded cast, you have that one fat black guy from that one movie, and that other fat black guy who's been in a couple movies, and of course that one black guy. And Orlando Jones.

The story, combined with great regular cuts to the cheerleaders makes this a movie milestone to remember. The director was even able to shove more overplayed classic rocks songs into the movie than a Waffle House Jukebox. Rocky helped bring down the Berlin Wall. Blue Chips showed the sad-but-true dark side of college basketball. The Replacements showed us that if there was ever an NFL players strike, the league would reach out to convicts, sumo wrestlers and retards (Reeves) to maintain the greatness of pro football. God Bless America.

Happy New Years everyone! If you need something to do while recovering from your hangover tomorrow, rent The Replacements, Juwanna Man and Eddie for your sports movie fix.

Rambo 4 Title Contest

Sylvester Stallone, while playing Bridge in his Beverly Hills retirement village, recently thought to himself, "I really f'd up the Rocky series with 'Rocky 5' and 'Rocky Balboa'. I really do have talent...somewhere. If only there was a way I could redeem myself and show everyone that I'm not really an over-the-hill, roid-pumping botox bitch. I know! I'll make another Rambo! Nurse, where are my Depends? I am heading to the studio!"

Yes, Grandpa Sly is at it again. He is creating another unneccessary end to a film series that has been stretched tighter than the skin on his cheeks (which now can be found on his forehead). Sure to be the most violent Rambo yet, the preview starts a preemptive body count to the tune of, what else, but "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor". Sigh, Sly.

To help the Italian Stallion out a little bit, I thought we could have a contest to come up with the best alternate title to the movie. Kyurious Hype and I have been working for the past half hour to come up with a few, such as:

Rambo IV: Killin' before I Die

Rambo IV: Assisted Living, Assisted Dying

Rambo IV: Thats not a roman numeral 4, he's seroiusly on an IV

John Rambo: Badass with Botox

We need your help, America! (And yes, Canada, you can play along too.) Give us some other alternative names for this turd-flick. Slyvester needs our help, first witht the movie title, and then probably helping him off the toilet. Get to it!