Why can’t we kill the 80’s?

Hey Generation X… MOVE ON!
(and ok I know Speed-Racer's from the 60's... but the point is the same... read on)

I recently stumbled upon this website the other day, and I believe it was the last straw in convincing me that everyone over 25 is trying to culturally drag us back into the 80s, or at least any time period before 1990. This conspiracy goes much father than a simple t-shirt that says “Hey! I watched Thundercats, which means I want you to think that I don’t care what you think of me, so that must mean I’m cool.” No no no. Its much more sinister…

Allow me to explain how this works…
There’s general consent among everyone nowadays, that retro = cool. And granted, Top Gun is sweet, and the music is so gay its manly, and playing volleyball in aviators and daisy dukes with your guy friends while spurning the wearing of shirts is ok because its retro—but then again the definition of retro is that its cool because its old. Any shirtless tool playing volley ball and listening to “Playing With The Boys” who hasn’t seen Top Gun is instantly 40% more creepy and 70% more gay than those who’re doing it because it’s a funny reference. Same percentages apply for singing “You’ve lost that loving feeling” in a karaoke bar.

Nowadays we’ve got something worse going on: Retro Remakes that attempt to update old plots for the sake of garnering new audiences. Its like musicians covering the old classics…only the best way to describe this new phenomenon in films is, Recycling.

So if you think I’m making a big deal out of nothing, here’s a giant list for your reading enjoyment of recent and upcoming films and TV shows with original ideas over 20 years old:
Cartoons:
Transformers, TMNT, Speed Racer, Dragonball Z, Garfield, Alvin and the Chipmunks, GI Joe, Scooby Doo, Justice League (aka Super Friends)
TV Shows:
Knight Rider, American Gladiators, Bionic Woman, Starsky and Hutch, Star Trek, Miami Vice
Action/Horror:
When a Stranger Calls, The Wicker Man, Conan, Rambo, Rocky Balboa, Indiana Jones, Amytyville Horror, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Hills Have Eyes, Planet of the Apes
Combinations:
Aliens Vs. Predator, Freddy Vs. Jason

I know proven ideas make money, which is why sequels always do better than the original, even when they’re terrible. But this is much more than that. Are Studios so over-run with 30 somethings trying to relive their Saturday morning cartoon memories that they’re willing to subject us to live action versions of ALL OF THEM? Can’t wait for Snorks, Heathcliff, Thundercats, Smurfs and Carebears. Does anyone realize this is going too far!? Does anyone except fanboys really think a Speed Racer, Dragonball Z, GI Joe or Justice League movie will actually be good?

Just kill me now if all my generation will be able to come up with is remakes of Pokemon and Power Rangers.

And the Best Holiday Film of 2008 goes to... AVP:R

After long and thoughtful deliberation on the subject, taking into account the irrepressible whimsy of such blockbusters as Fred Clause and Christmas in Wonderland, I have concluded that there is only one film capable of truly expressing the joy of the holiday season - Alien versus Predator: Requiem. Yes, you heard me. What better way to put the spirit of the former year to rest than with a cinematic masterpiece, a true requiem (from the Latin requies, for ‘rest’) for 2007? Still unconvinced? Clearly you needed to see the movie on Christmas day, sandwiched in between two overweight 30 somethings, each pod-casting live their alternate endings for final chapter of their newest fan-fic crossover, “Predator versus a Cylon basestar: a Galactica whodunit!” I hadn’t felt so misty eyed since Miracle on 34^th Street.

But before we get too off topic, let’s examine some of the comparative symbolism that defines the films rightful place in this season of giving and peace. There may be some spoilers to follow, however, I don’t believe it is possible to spoil this film:

1) “Away in a manger…” –

This theme of Jesus’ lowly birth, laid in a manger and wrapped in swaddling clothes, is clearly paralleled through the scenes of forced implantation and subsequent rapid gestation of Predalien larvae in the local hospital’s maternity ward. A beautiful scene, and one in service to the true nature of Christmas.

2) Spirit of generosity –

This idea of uninhibited munificence is represented throughout the film, as many of the characters, young and old, rich and poor, are subject to indiscriminate, and often delightfully unexpected, attacks from alien face-huggers.

3) The excitement of opening unexpected gifts –

The generosity of the face-huggers does not go unappreciated however, as the subjects of their warm embrace always awaken (no doubt to their delight) to the surprise of an alien chest-burster tearing through their sternum with a hiss of glee!

4) Time with that special someone –

Family aside, the holidays are always a time to spend with that special someone you hold so close to your heart. When in doubt, just take a lesson from AVP:R! Sneak into the local high school’s pool and seduce a hot teenage actress. Watch out for her ex-boyfriend though, he might have followed you there!

5) The joy of a dazzling light display –

Five words: Dual Shoulder-Mounted Plasma Cannons.

I’ll bet the Predators have the loveliest Christmas trees.

What a beautiful time of the year. Clearly Jesus had this movie in mind when was born.

-The Brisket