If you were a Fundamentalist-Baptist Minister-Governor lagging in the poles among the GOP presidential hopefuls, what would you do to turn things around? You could hire a celebrity to endorse your campaign, right? But who would pack enough punch to take the Iowa Caucas and help gain swing votes on the east coast. Chuck Norris, that's who.
Just the mere mention of his name could theoretically get anyone into office, even a bigot. What about his appeal makes the most unelectable candidates frontrunners? Perhaps these will sound familiar:
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Before statements like these became famous amoung teenagers and young adults nation-wide, Chuck Norris was known more for his heart-pounding, death-delivering, slow walking action movies on the big screen (and late night TNT). Perhaps his ass-kickingest film to date, The Delta Force (1986), showed us the softer side of Chuck, which in fact is not soft at all. If you haven't seen it, rent it or look for it in the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
Chuck grew tired of film and soon set his sights on telvision and fitness infomercials. Walker, Texas Ranger became even more famous once Conan Obrian adopted showing clips as a common bit for his show. The movies, however, will always serve as the foundation of the house that Chuck built.
Granted, Chuck Norris is known for his strong religious convictions, but I assure you that Huckabee chose Chuck (I'm sorry, I mean Chuck chose Huckabee) because of his place among pop-culture icons today. Chuck sits atop a mountain of joke icons (Hassellhoff, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears just to name a few) and reigns supreme. For Christmas I bought my brother a book of Chuck Norris facts, half of which refer to the magnitude and/or usefullness of his penis. But of course, Holy Huckabee has no knowledge of that. Right. Far Right.
So when you head to the polls to cast your vote ask yourself this: Do you want a president with solid international policy experience and a thoughtful healthcare plan, or do you want a guy who is always within punching distance of THE Chuck Norris. God Bless America. Chuck Bless American, too.
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