Nic Cage is Pro Creationism

This has been a long time coming. Nic Cage is the missing link in proving the DE-evolution of society.  His career deftly proves that with age doesn't come experience, good taste, or larger frontal lobes in the cerebral cortex.  He is... a hairy dinosaur, so-to-speak.

That having been said, Nicholas Cage is not the worst actor ever, as many have argued. He is simply a mediocre actor with the worst judgment ever.
(Best mustache ever?)

Nic “Who spells Nic like that? and I’m actually a Coppola” Cage has managed to further and further degrade himself by taking the term Hollywood Schlock to higher and more dizzyingly fetid heights.

Allow me explain by introducing you to the Adaptation theory of Cageationism. Though the mythic Cage has gone through many a terrible movie role, they can all be categorized chronologically into three exponentially deteriorating epochs: The Vegas Age, The Age of Fire, and The Age of the Shitstorm—which was unfortunately caused by Spike Jones’ Adaptation.

But let us start at the beginning:
And Lo, the Coen Brothers said, let there be Raising Arizona. And it was good. And then Nic Cage begat Honeymoon in Vegas, Leaving Las Vegas, Con Air, and Snake Eyes. And it was not good.

Thusly, we enter Nic Cage’s first epoch of terrible movie choices: The Vegas Age. As a young up and comer with a powerful Hollywood uncle, Cage began to make a name for himself, etching out his already pre-ordained star on the Hollywood boulevard by advertising himself as the Elvis loving, Vegas residing, White Trash star of the 90’s. Unfortunately this first, and best Epoch lasted only a decade and indeed, overflowed into the Age of Fire, which appeared after The Rock.

Nic’s first collaboration with legendary director and killer-of-everything-good, Michael Bay turned out to be a huge success… Much to the surprise of Cage himself who attempted to sink the film by acting like the biggest whining, high-pitched, self-involved Douchebag with a hot fiancée in the extensive history of Douchebags with hot fiancées. It is from this film that one Cageationist spawned the: “Every Terrible Hollywood Blockbuster Could Be Made Exponentially Worse If Nic Cage Is In It” theory, which of course launched a thousand speculations—Superman, Transformers, Armageddon, King Kong…

The Age of Fire produced Con Air, Face/Off, Gone in Sixty Seconds and curiously Captain Corelli’s Mandeline—which had just enough slow motion birds to be classified as “Possibly a John Woo flick”.1  However, these movies were often actually very entertaining and even contained the legendary “Crazy Face.”  Which, as you can see... is certifiably crazy.  If only it counted as acting.  

But the defining moment in Cage’s career came from a movie that defied logic in its brilliance.  Heretofore Cage + A Movie = Bad.  However in Adaptation, a movie which stars not just one, but TWO Nicholi Cages, meant that oddly Cage + Cage + A Movie = Good.  However, Adaptation was SOOO good, that it forced the fearless Cage to destroy any whisper of artistic sense within him by making a slew of movies so bad, they can only be described as Shittastical.

Thus begins the Age of the Shitstorm, in which Cage seemed to be making career choices motivated by self loathing.  His masterpieces during this Epoch include National Treasure, The Ant Bully, The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, Next, NT:2 Book Of Secrets and of course a slew of commercials aired only in Asia.2  These films are so bad, they can only be enjoyed when re-cut into tiny bits.3

So what does the future look like as this new Age of Shitstorm rages on? Well, Cage is scheduled to appear in the upcoming animated flick, “G-Force” as the voice of “Speckles.” IMDB Describes the possible plot of this movie as following: “A specially trained squad of guinea pigs embarks to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world.” I, for one, cannot wait.

1. I dare you to find a John Woo movie that doesn’t have doves flying in slow motion . Seriously. Maybe Broken Arrow, but I haven’t seen it in a while. I DARE YOU. WHAT IS HIS DEAL!?
2. See also, THIS ONE, and of course THIS ONE, and lest we forget… THIS ONE
3. And on a purely editorial note, Ghost Rider is not worth watching even to make fun of.