The following flicks are not for the faint of heart. They cannot and will not ever be appreciated by the fairer sex (I am talking about women, idiots). They may show up on network television but half of the dialogue is dubbed over and half the footage sits on the cutting room floor thanks to the good ol’ folks at the FCC. And that’s why we like them.
They are the opposite of “Chick Flicks”. For our purposes, we will call them “Dick Flicks”; movies that put a smile on your face and hair on your…knuckles. I’m not just talking about action movies – anything remotely macho is fair game. While a high body count is not required, it is highly encouraged and gratuitous nudity is always a bonus.
Without further delay, let me give you a countdown of my top ten. I am not saying the list I write is gospel, albeit pretty damn close. You have the right, and are encouraged to refute, rearrange and supplement the list. The important thing is that we bask in the eternal glory that is PURE CINEMATIC TESTOSTERONE.
#10 Total Recall
Arnold at his finest with plenty of violence to go around and awesomely bad special effects. Long story short: Interplanetary conspiracy taking place on Mars. Arnold takes it upon himself to save a deformed mutant race from running out of Oxygen while uncovering his erased identity.
#9 Octopussy
Okay, really I could have mentioned any of the James Bond movies (except the ones with Timothy Dalton and most of the ones with Roger Moore) but with a title like this, do I really have to explain myself? 007 bags more tail than Ted Nugent.
#8 Reservoir Dogs
Tarantino gets close in a lot of movies but rarely goes all the way. Black suites and shades have never looked so cool. And we’re talking a lot of blood. The best part of this one is that despite the exhaustive use of the F-word, the dialogue is still clever.
#7 The Wild Bunch
Not a whole lot of people under the age of 30 appreciate this movie. It is one of the original dirty Westerns. Bullets fly and bodies fall. This ain’t no Lone Ranger. If you want a history lesson on what shaped the genre to this very day, rent this one.
#6 The Big Lebowski
Dude, if you haven’t seen this movie, stop reading this blog right now and go ask a troop of boy scouts to kick you in the nuts. Funny, quotable and cool. Jeff Bridges makes being middle-aged, overweight, single and broke seem like the pinnacle of existence. Macho bonus elements: drug usage and bowling.
#5 Full Metal Jacket
If you’re thinking about joining the army, I’d watch this one and think again. It’s a guy movie –yes- but this one makes us all feel like little girls. How’s this for a plot point?: Imagine being pinned down while a dozen of your bunk-mates beat your senseless with socks full of bar soap.
#4 The Terminator
I hate to risk being cliché, but it doesn’t get any manlier than man vs. robot from the future.
#3 Die Hard
Bruce, please keep pumping these out until the day you die! I mean, the death toll in this movie isn’t even all that high, but killing a Russian is worth like three normal deaths. Terrorism is brought to light in this one, in a sky-scraper no less. I am assuming all NYC cops are this tough. As an added bonus, we see Carl Winslow in a supporting role minus Steve Erkel.
#2 Dirty Harry
The hand-cannon alone in this one merits a nod in my top ten. On top of that, Clint…I’m sorry…Mr. Eastwood spits out one of the most widely recognized lines in movie history. Anybody want to guess what that line is. This flick was way more successful than it’s Spanish counterpart, Dirty Sanchez.
#1 Scarface
Say Hello to my lil’ friend! Idolized by rap stars and pro athletes everywhere, I give you the crème de la crème of guy movies. Al Pacino sits atop a mountain of Cocaine with a machine gun taller than himself. Not the best-shot motion picture of all time, this film makes up for it with ruthless organized crime that inspired Grand Theft Auto – the game where you can actually buy a hooker, do the hooker, kill the hooker and get your money back. I actually looked on some other lists of guy movies and this seems to be a popular pick for the top spot. That isn’t by chance.
And for the record, I don’t want to hear any crying about the fact that the Godfather movies didn’t make the cut.
They are the opposite of “Chick Flicks”. For our purposes, we will call them “Dick Flicks”; movies that put a smile on your face and hair on your…knuckles. I’m not just talking about action movies – anything remotely macho is fair game. While a high body count is not required, it is highly encouraged and gratuitous nudity is always a bonus.
Without further delay, let me give you a countdown of my top ten. I am not saying the list I write is gospel, albeit pretty damn close. You have the right, and are encouraged to refute, rearrange and supplement the list. The important thing is that we bask in the eternal glory that is PURE CINEMATIC TESTOSTERONE.
#10 Total Recall
Arnold at his finest with plenty of violence to go around and awesomely bad special effects. Long story short: Interplanetary conspiracy taking place on Mars. Arnold takes it upon himself to save a deformed mutant race from running out of Oxygen while uncovering his erased identity.
#9 Octopussy
Okay, really I could have mentioned any of the James Bond movies (except the ones with Timothy Dalton and most of the ones with Roger Moore) but with a title like this, do I really have to explain myself? 007 bags more tail than Ted Nugent.
#8 Reservoir Dogs
Tarantino gets close in a lot of movies but rarely goes all the way. Black suites and shades have never looked so cool. And we’re talking a lot of blood. The best part of this one is that despite the exhaustive use of the F-word, the dialogue is still clever.
#7 The Wild Bunch
Not a whole lot of people under the age of 30 appreciate this movie. It is one of the original dirty Westerns. Bullets fly and bodies fall. This ain’t no Lone Ranger. If you want a history lesson on what shaped the genre to this very day, rent this one.
#6 The Big Lebowski
Dude, if you haven’t seen this movie, stop reading this blog right now and go ask a troop of boy scouts to kick you in the nuts. Funny, quotable and cool. Jeff Bridges makes being middle-aged, overweight, single and broke seem like the pinnacle of existence. Macho bonus elements: drug usage and bowling.
#5 Full Metal Jacket
If you’re thinking about joining the army, I’d watch this one and think again. It’s a guy movie –yes- but this one makes us all feel like little girls. How’s this for a plot point?: Imagine being pinned down while a dozen of your bunk-mates beat your senseless with socks full of bar soap.
#4 The Terminator
I hate to risk being cliché, but it doesn’t get any manlier than man vs. robot from the future.
#3 Die Hard
Bruce, please keep pumping these out until the day you die! I mean, the death toll in this movie isn’t even all that high, but killing a Russian is worth like three normal deaths. Terrorism is brought to light in this one, in a sky-scraper no less. I am assuming all NYC cops are this tough. As an added bonus, we see Carl Winslow in a supporting role minus Steve Erkel.
#2 Dirty Harry
The hand-cannon alone in this one merits a nod in my top ten. On top of that, Clint…I’m sorry…Mr. Eastwood spits out one of the most widely recognized lines in movie history. Anybody want to guess what that line is. This flick was way more successful than it’s Spanish counterpart, Dirty Sanchez.
#1 Scarface
Say Hello to my lil’ friend! Idolized by rap stars and pro athletes everywhere, I give you the crème de la crème of guy movies. Al Pacino sits atop a mountain of Cocaine with a machine gun taller than himself. Not the best-shot motion picture of all time, this film makes up for it with ruthless organized crime that inspired Grand Theft Auto – the game where you can actually buy a hooker, do the hooker, kill the hooker and get your money back. I actually looked on some other lists of guy movies and this seems to be a popular pick for the top spot. That isn’t by chance.
And for the record, I don’t want to hear any crying about the fact that the Godfather movies didn’t make the cut.
1 comment:
screw The Godfather--what about Goodfellas?? Nothing manlier than shooting lots of people, snorting coke, and smacking around your wife.
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