I am guessing the answer is no (and rightfully so) but did anyone have the incredible misfortune of seeing "Crank" in theatres or on DVD? If so, my condolences to you and your family. This movie was a marathon suckfest from beginning to end that left audiences begging for their 90 minutes of life back. The plot was one-dimensional, the writing must have been done by a 13 year old with ADHD and the closest thing to a redeeming quality was the fact that Amy Smart was in it. For those of you living blissfully ignorant of this Tinsel-Town-Turd, let me catch you up to speed. Statham plays an assasin who is injected with a poison that will kill him unless he keeps his heart rate up and adrenaline pumping through his body. Naturally, our hero (?) speeds around town doing anything and everything to stay alive, namely having public intercourse (this is where Smart because briefly important) with dozens of intrigued Asians watching. Statham dies in the end. *SPOILER ALERT!*....Oh shoot, was I suppose to put the spoiler alert before I say what happens at the end? Sorry, folks! Trust me, you're not missing out. I just saved you from flushing your time and money down the toilet. But I am not writing to warn you about a movie that's been out for a while now. I am writing to warn you of its sequel due out in 2009. Yes, their making a sequel.
And here's the troubling and confusing thing, my friends: Jason Statham is in it, playing the same guy. Apparently in his movie contract Statham has a Jesus clause that allows his characters to come back to life and carry on making horrible movies. I thought at first that this could be a prequel but then I read the plot blurb on IMDB:
"Chelios (Statham) faces a Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a battery-powered ticker that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working."
It can't be a prequel because in the original, Statham has a very real heart (depicted using special effects). How do they plan on explaining this one? I, for one, look forward to finding out. Maybe I am overanalyzing, but that's kind of our job on this site.
DISCLAIMER: I will shout from the rooftops that I am a Jason Statham fan. He's my borderline man-crush. He was great in Snatch, The Italian Job and even The Transporter. Plus, if you read his recent spread in Men's Health magazine, you'll understand how hard this guy works to stay ripped and healthy. As I start to watch my hair line receed, it's good to know that balding men can still kick ass AND get the girl.
...having said that, allow me to retitterate not seeing Crank or Crank 2:High Voltage. 2007-2008 will be a dark time for Statham. He's churning out box-office bombs faster than Al Qaeda. Don't worry Jason, I still love you.
2 comments:
First of all, if you were approaching this movie with the hope for any kind of intelligent design, I apologize that your expectations were so drastically blue-balled. Unfortunately, this review comes off like a bored socialite punching a kitten. What? "Crank" wasn't nominated for an Oscar? No shit Sherlock. Why don't you tell us some positive qualities of the film? Or at least critique some narrative/cinematographic choices (for example, extended shots of barely clothed concubines trapped inside large plastic spheres during a firefight: hot or not?) You seem unaware of the fact that 13 year olds with ADHD can come up with some pretty fucking awesome things once and a while.
Also, in your picture, there is far less humor in the fact that Statham is wearing a hospital gown than the fact that he is sporting a giant boner. But, with your man crush, it is clear you chose the picture with intention...
ps I love your site. I just like giving you shit more.
For the record... and this is important here...
I chose the picture and not, F4L, sadly. And I have not, until now noticed the intentional (or unintentional) phallacy. Hilarious. Thank you for your astute observations, Anonymous. I shall change the caption accordingly...
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