Critics of Cloverfield: Chumps with Keyboards Need to Just SHUT UP

**look out for spoilers**
Yeah, I saw Cloverfield. What’s it to you?

Nowadays everyone’s got an opinion of everything, and because of the internet they can tell everybody who’ll listen what they think. Ahh, you say, this is delicious irony coming from a BLOG—that infamous vehicle for spouting ill-researched, misspelled and often unnecessary views of everything under the sun. Agreed. I don’t have all the answers. But I do believe there’s a tendency to destroy everything around us in an attempt to make ourselves feel better—and at least I spell things kerectly.

Let’s take Cloverfield, for example. I saw it on Friday. I still don’t know what I think. There were moments in the movie I couldn’t separate myself from the feeling that I was actually there, terrified, and gape-jawed like a redneck at a tractor pull. It just hit me in such a personal way that I don’t think I can separate myself from it. Maybe it’s because I used to date a chick named Elizabeth who lived in NYC, and I have a brother I’m very close with. Or maybe it was the copious amount of whiskey I happened to catch in my mouth during the movie, but either way I don’t know what I would do if I was in the position of the film’s hero, Rob. Though I can safely say I would flip out a helluva lot more than he did if anything ever happened to my brother. But the main point is… I still don’t know what to think about this whole film, because while 80% of it touched and terrified me, the last 20% left me not just nonplussed, but completely disheartened.

**Spoilers Begin**
At heart this is a disaster movie and a tragedy—that is, until the monster starts actively hunting down our originally innocuous heroes. I was totally into the film until the creature lashed out and hit the helicopter—I mean are you kidding me? The whole film the giant thing is preoccupied with scrambling willy-nilly around the city, and finally at the end he takes a personal interest in Hud, it seems, who “taunts” the monster and subsequently gets plucked from the sky and then eaten!? That’s where an indie-inspired idea turns completely Hollywood, and bells go off in my head saying Schlock Schlock Schlock! Apparently the writers decided that the 3rd act of the film should completely ignore the thematic and stylistic “realism” of the first 2 acts. Sad. It really had me until then. All my other complaints in it are completely personal (NOT ROB AND BETH noooooo!)
**Spoilers End**

Personal history, inebriation, and stylistic choices aside, it was a well executed thrill ride that really delivered on its promise of mayhem—if you can get past the barfematography, which I think really varies on your age. I have the feeling the older you get (and less experienced with video games you are) then the worse you’ll fare. Which I think is a really brave directing choice considering you’re undoubtedly going to alienate a lot of your audience. Also, the preformances were fantastic. The 4 young actors in the film did such a good job of being "realistic" that there were times you just forget you're watching a movie. So kudos to that, but that’s of course only my opinion…

And this brings me back to everyone on the internet with some sort of judgment on Cloverfield. Here’s a great, if typical comment on the film:

“And the reasons why it F*&#@ing sucks: 1. Hud 2. What the characters are doing for the entire movie makes absolutely no sense. 3. A lot of other things make absolutely no sense. 4. Nothing is resolved in the end.”

Umm, thanks, “mordochai”(if that IS your real name!) sheer film scholar brilliance right there. Well how would you feel if someone you didn’t know wrote this about you?

“And the reasons why Mordochai F*&#@ing sucks: 1. Him 2. What he writes online makes absolutely no sense. 3. A lot of other things make absolutely no sense. 4. Nothing is added to the world by his existence.”

Just because we enjoy freedom of speech here in America doesn’t mean that everyone has something to say. Or, that I should be subjected to your ignorant, stereotypical, angry, pointless, profane, misguided, selfish, self-centered, misspelled and nonsensical ramblings. Hey random internet opinionaters, here are a few suggestions for the future:
-Spell check what you’re writing and make sure it makes sense.
-Don’t speak to me like I’m your friend (I’m not) or that I know exactly what you’re talking about.
“man tha thing was soooo dum why would you evr do hat. You know!?!”
Hmmm… You’re right. I agree 100%. You’re an idiot.
-Also, if you’re one of the many crazies who flood the internet with bullshit about9/11 Truth, warnings of the end of the world, Reptillian shape shifters, UFOs, or any other of the many conspiracy theories out there… PLEASE come up with a better motto than “Wake up to the TRUTH!” Because that just sounds like a Folder’s Coffee commercial and it doesn’t make sense. Oh, and drink sea-water while punching yourself in the face because you’re a waste of everyone’s time and the world would be better off without you.
But seriously,
CLOVERFIELD IS REAL, ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, THE WORLD WILL EXPLODE. WAKE UP PEOPLE!

Y’know… that’s actually kind of fun. In a societal-masochistic sort of way.

Make up your own mind about the film. I still haven't.