Christmas Eve is a special day of the year, a day for warm apple cider, family, and shagging your high school ex while home from school. But I fucking hate apple cider, only care for my family in an abstract way, and do not have a high school ex. Consequently, I spent the day drinking protein supplements and watching Alpha Dog, a film that—in keeping with my wishes—totally wrecked the Christmas ambience my kin so wished to maintain.
In the main, Alpha Dog consists of just three or four types of people: wiggers (this is where Justin Timberlake excels), gangsters, and hot sluts. When the gangsters are not kidnapping innocent teenage boys and thrusting them into situations shimmering with sexual possibility (more on this later), they are smoking weed, drinking, or trying to off someone. To offset the patent lack of realism that characterizes some of the scenes, the characters who witness the hostage (played by Anton Yelchin) with his captors are numbered as witnesses with on-screen text—Witnesses #x, #x+1, #x=2—to remind you that, yes, this really did happen. But once the number of witnesses exceed twenty or so, the repeated on-screen labels become annoying, and the viewer begins to wish that the director had achieved realism in better ways.
This leads me to the sex scene in the pool, the part of the movie that strained not only the bounds of my belief but also the crotch seams of my underwear. We find Zack Mazursky, the hostage, being taken to a pool by Julie (played by Amanda Seyfried from Mean Girls), the girl who has wanted Zack's nuts since she found out that he is a hostage (she thinks "That's hot."). Her slutty sidekick joins them for some skinny dipping and a tantalizing game of Marco Polo. Before long, Zack is sandwiched between them and the scene fades to black.
This is perhaps my biggest complaint. There is no need for modesty or propriety in a movie that, overall, contains enough unnecessary filth (a guy shitting on a living room floor, for instance) to make a full-blown sex-scene a mere accessory. I would have liked to see Zack engage in some Wesley-Pipes style fucking. Such a scene would have fit well with everything else in the film, and it would have been most entertaining.
If you find Christmas as boring as I found Christmas Eve, and you have access to On Demand premium channels, I recommend blowing off the holiday vibe and watching Alpha Dog. Unless, of course, you have a high school ex.
No comments:
Post a Comment