The ADD Libs

Hey guys,
Just thought this might be something this crowd would enjoy.

(Laughs Evilly)

Indy 4: The Quest for One Free Beer

Last weekend, I was relaxing with a cold beer in hand debating the most important questions of modern American cinema with my long time friend Joe Bauer*; which Die Hard movie most beautifully captured the idea of the "unstrung hero", how James Cameron made much more of a statement in Total Recall then he did in Titanic, how Spaceballs is best watched on VHS, etc.



Our discussion led us down a very dark path with the very mention of the upcoming Indiana Jones installment. This little gem hits theatres in 2008 with a vengeance, much like Die Hard: With a Vengeance, only more subtle. My friend Joe and I both await the 4th chapter with eager anticipation, much like anticipation one experiences after a long car trip with lots of Kool-Aid and no bathroom breaks. As our movie-loving bladders fill to capacity and nearly rupture, there are still so many questions left unanswered. Very little info has been released about the film. Even the IMDB entry is skin and bones. What little info we can find is hardly credible so I suppose only time will tell.



Joe and I found ourselves heated and nearly wresting on the floor over one key element: Shia Labeouf. We know he is in the film and will play a pivotal role, but answer me this, bloggers: Will he play the son of Henry Indiana Jones, Jr.? I tend to think no, however my much hairier companion seems to think it is the only possibility. And in situations like these, what do two stubborn males with no money and no creativity do? We bet a beer on it.



Help me, minions of the motion picture. Perhaps those of you out there who actually paid $160 for a real brown Stetson or those who have dressed up like Indy for every Halloween since the age of 9 can put my mind at ease on this topic. I wish to drink my free beer not just for me, but for you, all of you. Hugs and Kisses.



*Joe Bauer is in no way related to Jack Bauer.

Glad I don't live there...oh wait...

These things have been on TV where I live lately... Before reading your post get caught up on this demeaning, ignorant, and confounding ad campaign to come live in Louisville, Ky...

For your viewing pleasure might I suggest... Ohio, Dallas and LA. They seem to insinuate that
1) People from Ohio want to come to Louisville to meet women with tattoos on their ass (Might as well be a bulls eye)
2) Louisvillians who want to move to LA will make their parents cry.... WHAT!?
3) Black, gay men in Dallas who like tofu will be accepted in Louisville... Hmm... Its still in the south last time I checked, this might be a hard sell...

I didn't see how I could let this aggression stand, man. I fired back:

Dear Anonymous PR guy at Share Louisville,

I have to say, I'm a born and raised
Louisvillian, and these commercials are embarrassing.

A young man from Ohio wants a girl with a tattoo on her butt?
A girl moving to LA isn't going to be recognized for her intellect, but her bra size?
A man in Atlanta is dying because there aren't any hospitals there, and too much traffic?
A man in Dallas wants to be able to shout "I eat TOFU" from the steps of the
JUSTICE BUILDING!? What!?

Honestly I think we can sell ourselves a lot better by playing up our strengths rather than the weaknesses of other cities. And by strengths I mean actual STRENGTHS and not advertise
that we have cheap tattooed girls here who also happen to be appreciated for
their intellect (which, by the way... is a lie).

YES there are
great jobs here
YES there are fun things to do
YES the city could use an
influx of smart, creative, young people.

But seriously, a bunch of
slo-mo, sob-story, obnoxious, and down right embarrassing commercials will not
get the job done. I know they say any PR is good PR, but... Hey, when
you make us look like idiots, we're the ones who have to live with
it.

Yours Truly,
Not-so anonymous guy, who happens to
be young, smart, creative, has a great job, loves Louisville, tattoo-free,
appreciated for his intellect, has access to hospitals, but sits in traffic in
the morning, hates tofu, and secretly wants to move to LA.

Waa waa wee wah! What the hell are these people thinking!? Who thought this was a good idea? There's been a lot of arguments that these run in the same vein as John Stewart or the next to godly Stephen Colbert... I have to say... I don't get that comparison at all. Let's look at what's supposed to be funny in these ads and see if it makes any sort of important or original commentary... The Ohio ad seems to make fun of Louisville more than small towns, and every single ad seems to forget the fact that people are usually extremely proud of where they come from. Ancestarally or otherwise. So when you completely trash where they come from... you look desperate to get anyone to come to your city. This ad is exemplary of what people inside the box seem to think belongs on the outside. Its not clever, its not funny, and I still fail to see the point. Whatever, this ain't a single's town anyhow... time to blow this popsicle stand.

Welcome, Suckers.

And so it was…

Hey, Director! is thus born by a small group of recent college grads, divided by geography, but united by their collective love of trashing and reveling in terrible movies. Our Ethos: To tear down those poorly conceived pieces of trash that fall conspicuously like turds in the sewer of pop culture (oh, and defend the ones we like).

This is how you know YOU will enjoy this blog…

YOU were the one who predicted Samuel L. was 30 seconds from being jawed by a Gumby-looking CGI shark while standing next to the unexplained “pool” in that illogical, banana-ram-bonanza known as Deep Blue Sea.

YOU mailed Joel Schumacher anthrax after he utilized an iMovie trick by just reversing footage in Batman and Robin to make it look like Robin was drowning…(it was really just swallowing Chris O’Donnell AND Alicia Silverstone’s career).

It was YOU who brazenly placed Uwe Boll's carcass-storm of a film, House of the Dead in your queue on Netflix, immediately regretting it after realizing A) you were watching a film based off a video game that people play in theater arcades while waiting to go see a REAL movie and 2) all of the zombies in the flick were gifted with conveniently placed springboards…even in a topless teen ridden forest…

And YOU breathed a sigh of relief when Guillermo del Toro unleashed Pan’s Labyrinth , because all of its critical acclaim somehow legitimized your secret, tongue-in-cheek attraction to Hellboy and its chatty, Russian half-zombie (“If I had leg’s I’d kick your ass”).

So as founder and contributor to this beautiful new blog, I’d like to say, as humbly and quietly as possible (because who’s reading this? honestly)—LET’S MAKE THIS SHIT EPIC!! I believe our next step will be to add Carmina Burana blaring on our home page….